Invasion

Synopsis: If someone hawks a loogie on you, don't worry about it...JUST DON'T EVER GO TO SLEEP AGAIN!!
Review: I can buy into sci-fi and somewhat outrageous plots, so my problem with this movie is aside from that. This movie introduces the "Random Russian" problem, which is the guy in the middle of the movie that introduces the central theme of the show but has absolutely no significance in the movie. Awkward.
And if you couldn't pick up the theme through the Random Russian accent, the movie has the balls to repeat it over and over and over and over again. Just when you think you got it and just before the closing credits, guess what? You get the Random Russian conversation replayed just before black. Are you serious?? I don't mind movies with agendas, just don't force feed me...I'm not that stupid.
Rating: 2.0 out of 10

Jumper

Synopsis: The making of Darth Vader, I think, maybe not, seemed a lot like Anaken Sky-douche-walker to me.
Review: This movie has me asking a lot of questions:
1. Why is Samuel L's hair white?
2. Why is Heyden's mom such a bitty? I love you so I leave you BS?
3. Why is it that no fox high school drama show actor/actress can effectively transition to the big screen? Nobody from 90210 could do it, and neither can anybody from the OC including Bilson (maybe Brody has a chance).
4. And most importantly, why is Heyden such a douche-bag?
This movie and franchise for that matter is interesting, just seemed to be too spotty like the time of the month. I am willing to give the sequel a chance but there's a lot of work to do.
Rating: 4.0 out of 10

Definitely Maybe

Synopsis: Little 8 year old girl tries to figure out who her mom is after she has a sex-ed class through drilling her dad.
Review: Anybody know where I can get an 8-year old Dr. Laura I can carry around on my shoulders. I'd like one of those. Geez, I didn't know this movie was going to about a young female Doogie Houser specializing in psychiatry.
With that aside, this movie has enough to get you through. There's enough variety and comedy to get you through...and possibly some action after the movie.
Rating: 6.4 out of 10

Drillbit Taylor

Synopsis: Owen takes a few picked-on boys under his wing, without being a pedafile.
Review: I thought if I saw this movie I might be more okay with the idea of Owen Wilson possibly overdosing. However, to my surprise, this sandlot'esque movie wasn't half bad. It makes you want to watch Superbad and it makes you miss McLovin. The McLovin kid in this movie is unfortunately too big of a queer though to warrant the same endearment as McLovin.
Besides that, the kids were pretty funny and Owen seems to still have enough to make a decent movie. With that being the case, can somebody please bring back Hansel? He's so hot right now.
Rating: 5.0 out of 10

Just My Luck

Synopsis: Seriously, does it matter? Can't you tell what this one is about?
Review: The movie is not that bad if you still sport a hello kitty backback, but that's besides the point. The point is Lindsey Lohan...and what I would like to introduce as the "Lindsey Lohan Effect." In order to have the Lindsey Lohan effect, you need 2 distinct qualities:
1. You are simply not hot at all.
2. Besides not being hot, you still make men really want to see you naked.
Seriously, the whole movie I debated whether or not she was hot because of that fact that I wanted to see her naked. I've concluded the Lindsey Lohan Effect.
Rating: 3.5 out of 10

National Treasure II

Synopsis: Anybody want to go on a treasure hunt?
Review: I would love to rip this movie apart and go off on how I think my Yorkshire Terrier is a better actor than Nicolas Cage, but unfortunately I can't. It seems Walt Disney has a formula that just works for these types of movies, even if you are an adult or a kid. Nothing too deep about it, but entertaining nonetheless. You'll see the same type of stuff you'd expect to see in a Pirates of the Caribbean movie or a Toy Story movie or any other Disney movie that Tom Johnson has a movie poster of on his wall.
Rating: 7.1 out of 10

Tyler Perry's Why Did I Get Married?`

Synopsis: Mix between the lifetime channel and BET.
Review: Surprisingly not too bad. Some of the individual stories get a bit dramatic, including Janet Jackson's crossover into becoming an actress, but you won't really regret watching this if you are married. If you are not married, you should check out Tyler Perry's How Did I Get Herpes?
But seriously, who is this Tyler Perry guy? And why does his name make it into every movie he makes? I can't remember somebody's name all over movies and TV shows like Tyler Perry since Bob Hope.
Rating: 7.0 out of 10

The Great Debaters

Synopsis: Professor at 1930's black college inspires young debate team to challenge Harvard.
Review: Did Oprah have something to do with this movie? You bet she did. This movie is marinated in her typical but incredibly inspiring book-club themes.
Denzil and Forrest give great performances, and the young debaters are practically flawless. If you don't get chills in this one, you're likely still flying the confederate flag.
Rating: 9.3 out of 10

Martian Child

Synopsis: Widowed man adopts crazy kid.
Review: There's a few moments where you'll ask yourself, is this kid really from Mars? Or wait a minute, am I watching the Sixth Sense...is John Cusack really dead and this estranged boy is helping him uncover himself? Or you might even ask, why in the hell is Joan Cusack in yet another John Cusack movie...isn't this getting really annoying?
Despite the questions, the movie gets across a good and not overly-played message. You shouldn't regret watching this as there are a few positive things you can take away from it. The movie would have been better though if John Cusack held up a boombox over his head at the end to get the kid to come down.
Rating: 8.0 out of 10

Semi-Pro

Synopsis: Let's get sweaty. Tropic basketball sweaty.

Review: I get off the rated R movie train for this? Come on Will, you're better than that. You would think mixing two of my favorite things would be an instant success, Will Ferrell and basketball. Unfortunately, this one came about as close as a Jared Braithwaite freethrow. Not even close. Too much Woody Harrelson and the Black-Eyed-Peas dude or whoever he is. Ferrell's Jackie Moon is ten times better in the 20 second Old Spice commercials than in this entire two hour movie. I'll forgive you this time Will but Step Brothers better be good or I'm jumping back on the Adam Sandler train.

Review: 3.0 out of 10

Lars and the Real Girl

Synopsis: Recluse guy resorts to a blow-up doll for companionship.
Review: We've all seen this kinda movie right? "Some folks call it a slingblade, I call it a kaiser blade." "George, can I pet the rabbits?" "I am Sam." Even, the recent Bryan Hansen fiasco. The nice but something's-not-right kinda guy always gets lit up by a cruel and uncompassionate society right?
This one is a pleasant surprise and conveys a powerful message about the contrary.
Rating: 9.7 out of 10

Fool's Gold

Synopsis: Kate and Matt show off their rock-hard flat-chested bods...that's about it.

Review: I couldn't help but wonder who this movie was targeted to. Kids? But wait, there's an F-bomb and some bare tig ole bitties. Adults? Can't be, the plot and goofy rapper villains were straight out of Nickelodeon. Teenagers? I guess, when I was a teenager I liked seeing a lot of skin without any details. If you liked watching Paul Walker and Jessica Alba in Into the Blue, you'd likely like this.

Rating: 3.9 out of 10

Across the Universe

Synopsis: Beatles-based Musical.

Review: Do you like the Beatles? Do you like this dude on the right? How 'bout, do you like this dude opening the movie by staring directly at you singing a sad song? Do you you do mushrooms or crystal meth? If you answered yes to all four of these questions, you may like this movie.

A few positives of this movie: a) it's the Beatles b) the no-direction, everybody-do-whatever-you-want, man-am-I-trippin' feel is kinda unique and c) it's the Beatles.

Even though I'm known to like musicals, I wasn't a big fan of this one. Main problem is writing a movie for songs that already exist. I know Broadway has seen success with Abba and Billy Joel, but the story line gets too choppy and becomes irrelevant...it's like a really long music video where you don't know what the hell is going on. Who's this? Who's that?

To be honest, I didn't finish this one. But to illustrate some of the randomness of the show, take a look at the floating chick in pic 2. What the fuh? Is she doing the crane kick?

Rating: 4.5 out of 10

Over Her Dead Body

Synopsis: Dead annoying chick haunts not-so-hot still alive fire-crotch psychic chick. Blah.

Review: Thought Eva was hot. Not so much anymore. She's real mousey in this movie. Put sunglasses on her and she's a friggin' raccoon. Plus, she's more annoying than the clap on your wedding night. Paul Rudd and Jason Biggs come close to making the movie endurable, but the lack of hotness of Eva and the lead forgettable redhead chick are simply too much to overcome.

Rating: 1.9 out of 10

The Other Boleyn Girl

Synopsis: Interesting love-triangle spin on the reign of Henry VIII.
Review: I thought I'd dread this movie. Astonishingly, I kinda liked it. Maybe it was because there were moments where I thought Scarlett and Nat were going to kiss. Or maybe it is because you see a royal bit$# finally gets what she deserves in the end. Some of the special features were also somewhat interesting from a historical point of view.
Rating: 7.5 out of 10

Alvin and the Chipmunks

Synopsis: Chipmunks singing "So You Had a Bad Day" during opening credits...I couldn't tell you the rest of the rodent droppings in this one.
Review: "Here comes trouble?" More like "here comes lame as hell!" And I even like the Chipmunks, Earl, and Tobias. But come on!
The movie may be bearable if you have kids that enjoy 80's CGI still in 2008 and movie budgets and actors built for seminary videos (despite Earl and Tobias). Seemed like Hollywood didn't give a rat's azz about quality in this one. Immediately after the movie, I taped over my Chipmunks Christmas cassette with a back-up copy of Mormon Rap.
Rating: 2.6 out of 10

Bucket List

Synopsis: Two old dudes get cancer and decide to do some crazy crap before they die.
Review: First, a couple questions/observations. What is the percentage of Morgan Freeman movies that feature him as a narrator? I swear old Freckle Face narrates over 75% of the time...and this one is no exception. And can you name a movie where Morgan Freeman gets laid? I swear, every actor has had a sex scene except M-Free. Even J-Nick is still getting laid in his movies. Well spoiler alert, M-Free gets close in this one but to no avail.
No real surprise here though, this movie is quite touching, especially if you have people in your life that have been affected by cancer or are waiting out their last days. J-Nick and M-Free are still money despite their age. And despite a few lame moments in the movie, this one will leave you with a good message. Live.
Rating: 8.7 out of 10

My Date With Drew

Synopsis: Some random dude (pictured to the left) documents his efforts to go on a date with Drew Barrymore.

Review: Goes from corky to why does this guy remind me of Tommy Ingebretson to kinda creepy to hilarious to pathetic to wow, I really liked it. There were moments where I felt like I was watching the Blair Witch Project due to the shaky and low-budget camera, but it captured the genuine appeal of the show. Sadly, I ended up admiring this guy for growing a pair and following his dream. Also, the Sinatra'esque song of "if I had Drew" during the closing credits was a self-indulging bonus.

Rating: 9.2 out of 10